The only carrots that interest me are inedible and worn on my fingers.

“As I get older, I’m trying to eat healthy. I’ve got Gordon Ramsay’s new cook book, Take Two Eggs and Fuck Off.”
- Jack Dee

On Planet Gorgeous, my fellow Planet Gorgeans and I like to expand our horizons and try new things like trying to figure out how to switch on the washing machine only to realise that if you do not wash the whites separately they come out pink; attempting to ride a motorcycle and finding out that screaming does not make you stop – walls do; going on a rollercoaster to see if your false eyelashes are still attached to your eyelids after the ride; and visiting foreign countries without the butler.

After watching Gordon Ramsay on television the other night and being intrigued by his passion, creativity with food and telling chefs to “fuck off out of my kitchen”, I decided that I needed to explore this unknown territory called COOKING. The last time I ate food was in 1973 and the last time I cooked was… well…never. And since my dinner is usually poured, and we were out of champagne anyway, I went to the local bookstore to buy a cookbook.

I never realised that there were so many cookbooks available! And so many eloquent chefs! Who knew all successful chefs also had a natural knack for set-dressing and photography? I spotted the words ‘Gordon Ramsay’, became overwhelmed by how many books I had to choose from, and picked the book with the glossiest cover.

The first recipe in the book was called “Brandade on garlic toasts”. What!?! What is a ‘Brandade”? Is this book in English? I don’t think ‘kitchen tweezer’ is what I think it is. Isn’t a Slotted spoon inherently contradictory? How does one flake outside of not showing up for appointments? Oh finally: baking sheet! Let me just call my tanning salon on speed dial and I’ll have one of those in a second.

Where the hell is my bloody kitchen!?

One recipe asked to “Sprinkle the duck legs all over with rock salt and leave to stand at room temperature for one hour.” How on earth do you sprinkle duck legs? Where? Over the kitchen floor? And why must I stand for one hour? Room temperature? During summer or winter? With or without the underfloor heating on? I’m confused…

Terminology like ‘trim’, ‘drizzle’, ‘parboil’ and ‘skim’, amongst others, had me flummoxed. I trim a Christmas tree. ‘Drizzle’ is a weather condition. ‘Parboil’ sounds like an average abscess and ‘skim’ is what you do when you read the newspaper quickly. Isn’t it?

And where do you find Shaoxing (I have a hunch that it’s in Japan, where other forms of martial arts are also practised), wonton wrappers, ajwain seeds, tilapia fillets (I think I own a dress by her), Iberico ham, haloumi, tabbouleh (is that how the English pronounce the word ‘table’?) and passata? Gordon, where DO you shop?

Do people actually do this activity called ‘cooking’? Who are these people?

I think that chefs all over the world belong to an impenetrable secret society with its own language and rituals so that no-one will ever know their culinary secrets and we then have to pay lots of money just to be fed, or spend a fortune in travelling all over the world looking for ingredients to make dishes like Chicken Madras, Cantonese fried rice, Boston cream pie, Scottish smoked salmon, New England clam chowder, Turkish Yoghurt cake and Tuna Provencal.

I finally understood why there is so much hunger and malnourishment in the world. Nobody can understand the recipes.

I’m not giving up, though. I need to find out how this curious culture of cuisine works. I think I’m going back to the bookstore to buy a book by a guy that calls himself the Naked Chef. That sounds like something I can relate to.

Boefie-isms 10

German: (noun) I know a little German… his name is Heinz.

Glitter: (verb) The act of enhancing the appeal of anything dull. Example: “Hold still while I glitter you.”

Golden handshake: (noun) Referring to the act of shaking hands with a person who is wearing a Rolex.

Golden retriever: (noun) A woman who is out to buy jewellery.