Queen of Egypt

My sister, Neelsie, and her boyfriend broke up. With the alarm bells of her biological clock going off and the pitiful amount of eligible men available, this circumstance is a slight glitch in the glamorous mode de vie of Planet Gorgeous.

Now, obviously, ladies of a certain unmentionable age, breaking up or getting divorced might make you feel less sensational than you are. You feel rejected, ugly, worthless and then you start doubting your virtues and excellence. Ask any girl who did not get a rose on The Batchelor and they will tell you that it sucks.

Poor Neelsie immediately became the queen of denial after the self-involved egotistical bastard dumped her and she promptly changed her name to Cleopatra. “How could this be?” she asked her cat.. “Maybe he was just having a bad day”, she tried to convince herself in the mirror. “Maybe I did not fully understand what he was saying?” she petitioned her pot plants. “This is not happening!” she howled at the moon. “I feel fantastic!” she eventually shrieked at her gardener.

No, darling, he’s gone. Go and rule Egypt on your own.

Realising that Smallshortsman is not going to change his wardrobe or ask one of his friends to kill him with a sword, she became angry. Screaming: “This is so unfair!” and throwing things, she felt a little bit better. Of course she sobbed her heart out while trying to glue the vase back together…

And then she started bargaining. “If I can fix the vase I just shattered against the wall, maybe I can fix the relationship?” Cutting her finger with a shard of glass and bleeding all over the carpet, she realised that the vase was beyond repair, but still thought of ways to change herself so that Smallshortsman will want to take her back. She went to her therapist, hairdresser, personal trainer and facebook friends. She sent Antony a message that she had killed herself, and died while mumbling his name, and waited in the monument for him to come running back to her. No, that’s not true. I’m having Shakespeare moment.

Not long after spending a fortune on new carpets and vases, depression set in. Smallshortsman did not kill himself and died in her arms.

She cried a lot. (Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.) Ignored everything Dr. Joshi prescribes for a healthy diet, and became miserable enough to make Leonard Cohen and Nick Cave sound like ABBA.

At last she accepted the situation when she looked at her dwindling bank account through her puffy bloodshot eyes. “My desolation does begin to make a better life”, she whimpered melodramatically while trying to keep the cucumbers from falling off her face.



On Planet Gorgeous we have our own way of dealing with life’s drama. After break-ups and divorces we put on a tiara and have a glass of champagne. Then we think about Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, Eddie Fisher, Nicky Hilton, John Warner, Richard Burton, Larry Fortensky, Michael Todd, Richard Burton, Michael Wilding and Richard Burton, and say: “Next!”

This act of survival deals with the denial stage of loss. In fact, just like being in denial about our age, we deal with these little hitches on Planet Gorgeous by being in a constant state of negation. The other steps of anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance give us wrinkles and cost us money. It’s good to be the Queen!

Neelsie is fine now, ruling Egypt with renewed verve and vigour and not an asp in sight. Welcome back to Planet Gorgeous, Neelsie!